If you know someone who is grieving, trying to decide what you should say can be challenging. Knowing what to say when someone dies isn’t easy, especially when you’re worrying about saying the wrong thing.
This article will help you negotiate this time with sympathy and kindness, and help you to find words of comfort in this most difficult time.
We also have a free guide which has even more useful information and help on what to say when someone dies, as well as other ways you can show your support for someone who’s recently bereaved.
Losing someone we care about is one of the most challenging and upsetting experiences any of us can face. And knowing what to say to someone in that situation can be very hard.
Whether you want to know what to write in a card or what to say at a funeral service or memorial, we can help you find the right way to express your sympathy and offer support.
We also look at what to say when someone is grieving the loss of their father, mother, child, husband or wife, friend or colleague.
Sometimes, because we don’t know what to say, we may be tempted to say nothing at all. But that isn’t going to give someone in mourning the comfort we’d like to offer.
Of course, there are no words that can stop someone from grieving or take away their sorrow – but our words can give them solace. A sincere, heartfelt expression of sympathy can offer real comfort and just show someone we care.
One of the simplest (yet most powerful) things you can say to someone who is grieving is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Whether you're told out-of-the-blue, or you're meeting someone you know is grieving, those six words let the person know that you acknowledge their pain and are there to support them.
Every loss is unique, which is why saying “I know how you feel,” should be avoided. Instead, consider saying something like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you."
Avoid phrases like “You should be strong”, or “Time heals all wounds,” as they can unintentionally pressure the person to suppress their emotions or rush the grieving process. Instead, offer reassurance by saying, “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now. Take all the time you need to grieve and know that I’m here to support you.”
When you learn that someone is grieving, you might easily say something like “How are you?” – but if you think about it, how is the person supposed to react to such a question? Often, they might just say, “I’m fine” even though they really aren’t.
You could try "How was this morning?" or "How did (an activity you know they’re doing) go?" so you’re focusing on how a period of time or event has gone for them, rather than how they are. It could also get them talking about their feelings more.
If “I’m so sorry for your loss” isn’t right for you, here are ten easy alternatives you might prefer:
Writing a sympathy card can be an emotional experience. It’s a challenge to find the right words to offer comfort, empathy, and support.
It’s important to be personal, thoughtful, honest, and mindful with your words of sympathy. If you’re looking for the right messages to write in a sympathy card, we’ve put together some ideas and inspiration;
The death of a parent is always going to be a significant loss, no matter how old you are, or how close or complicated the relationship is.
It can be tough for someone to lose such a strong anchoring presence in their life. When writing sympathy messages, try to recall pleasant memories or retell a story. By doing this, you’re remembering how they lived rather than dwelling on their death.
Here are some ideas of what to say in sympathy cards:
Losing a child is unimaginable for most of us. Finding the proper condolences for this particular loss is a huge challenge.
No words can mend the bereaved parents’ broken hearts, but your words can offer support when they need it most. Here are a few ways you can do that:
Losing a partner is one of the most painful events an individual can experience. The absence of a long or short term companion can leave someone feeling lost and alone.
Writing a sympathy card is your chance to let them know you are there for them. Here are some examples of ways you can say in sympathy:
It can be challenging for a person to go from seeing someone every day to not at all. They may feel a sense of confusion or instability when losing a colleague or friend.
It will be comforting for them to know that you acknowledge their loss. Here are some comforting words for the loss of a friend.
There are lots of things you can choose to write in a sympathy card, but at the same time, there are also things to avoid, for example the use of harsh words such as ‘died’, ‘death’, or similar.
It’s also better not to include any details from the person’s passing as it might bring up unpleasant memories. Phrases to avoid include:
These sentiments and others like them might not be taken very well by the bereaved. If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, it’s best to keep your message of condolence short. Sending a card might seem like a simple act, but it lets the recipient know you care.
A handwritten expression of sympathy acknowledges a loss and shows how much you care, and gives you the chance to say more than just a few words.
It’s also appropriate when you can’t attend a funeral. There are seven components you could use:
Of course, it’s better to send a card, but there are times when it’s not possible. You might not be able to see the bereaved in person, time may be an issue, or you might not know their address.
Sometimes, sending a condolence email is the best option. It’s simple, quick, and easy to do. However, knowing what to write in a condolences email can be challenging. Should it be short or long? Is there a tone you should use?
Here are some tips that might help:
A popular way to express your condolences when someone has lost a loved one is the gifting of flowers. It’s usual for there to be a small card that comes clipped to the bouquet. Space is limited, but it is possible to say something meaningful. Here are a few ideas for short and sweet sympathy messages for funeral flowers.
If you’re attending a funeral service, it’s appropriate to offer your sympathy to the family. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is fine if you don’t know them very well.
If you were closer to the person, saying something personal to share what they meant to you is very much appreciated. Here are some examples of what to say at a funeral:
Finding the right words to say when someone dies can be hard, but offering sincere condolences and support can be an immense comfort to those who are grieving. What’s important isn’t saying the ‘right’ thing so much as saying something – something simple, heartfelt, true.
Expressing what you felt about the person who’s died, showing that you care for the person who is bereaved is what matters, not trying to be eloquent or poetic or writing a great eulogy.
Approach the situation with empathy, compassion and sensitivity, and let the person know that you’re there to listen, to support, and to honour the memory of their loved one.
Just be present, offer your heartfelt condolences and let the person know that they’re not alone in their grief.
That is the most wonderful thing you can do to support them.
You can read more about funeral etiquette, in our guide, if you're still struggling with what to say or do. If you want to make funeral plans or arrangements for a loved one, our dedicated team of professionals is here to offer guidance and support at a time when you need it the most.
You can find out more about Pure Cremation and the funeral plans we offer here, or please call us free on 0800 470 23 93.