Research has found that many people in the UK think about it at least once a week but feel uncomfortable talking about it. Unfortunately this means that even when you really want to discuss planning your own funeral you can meet stiff resistance from family and friends.
This is because accepting our own mortality is one of the hardest things to do. Nevertheless, ‘the chat’ is one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have…because of the significant difference it will make when the time comes.
Is it okay to talk about death?
So many of us find it challenging to have conversations with people we love about dying and death. We don’t want to think about a time when the people we care about are no longer with us.
Fear creates a powerful taboo around the one event that none of us can avoid, the one event that is part of the human experience. Talking about any fear can help us deal with it more constructively, and death is no exception.
The tide, however, is slowly changing, with Generation Z Brits proving more comfortable talking about such an emotional subject. They still find it scary and sad, but fewer find it difficult or uncomfortable.
Why is death so hard to talk about?
Even those who are nearing the end of their lives often find it hard to express what they’re feeling or what they would like. There are many reasons why people choose not to talk about it.
One of the biggest barriers is the worry that we will make others feel uncomfortable or upset, but there are several more.
Reasons why relatives and friends won’t talk about death and dying include:
- Fear of loss
- Fear of saying the wrong thing and making matters worse
- Refusal to face the truth or pretending that everything’s alright
- Believing that professionals know best, so nothing is addressed
- Fear of their own mortality
- Denying what’s happening
- Guilt or shame about what has happened in the past
- Not being able to find a convenient time and place
When someone is dying, their ability or willingness to talk openly about what they’re going through may be affected by the following:
- They’re afraid of becoming a burden
- Lack of privacy for such personal subjects, for example, in a hospital ward
- Inner conflict and unfinished business
- Secrets that have never been shared
- Unwillingness to face the truth
- Fear of upsetting relatives
- Never been a talker
- Not being able to find a person they can trust
The importance of talking about death and dying
We are all mortal and facing this fact can have positive results for our relationships and whole approach to life, but preparing for the day we are no longer around is a gift for those we care about.
Discussing your wishes now gives your loved ones a chance to ask about and fully understand your choices. They won’t have to process any shocks or surprises on top of their grief.
Some of the other practical and emotional benefits of talking about what will happen when you die are:
- Removing the guesswork so your loved ones will know what to do. Being confident you’ve made the right decisions can be exceptionally comforting.
- Lightening the legal and practical burden by getting your affairs in order, writing a will and letting your loved ones know where to find crucial financial information.
- Achieving a sense of calmness or release for you and reduced stress for them by discussing future care or funeral planning.
- Deepening your connection - you can learn things about each other before its too late, speak more openly about other complex subjects, love and appreciate each other more.
- Normalising death as a part of life can help everyone cope with bereavement better and find the right support.
- Embracing your mortality, can help you appreciate life and live more in the moment while creating a sense of perspective and re-evaluating what’s important.
- Avoiding regrets by healing relationships and resolving old arguments
Death can happen to any one of us at any time. Coming to terms with reality helps you spend your time more wisely and better appreciate what’s truly important. But how can you start such a difficult conversation?
Here are a few suggestions, but remember there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
- Ask questions like “Do you believe there is life after death?”
- Talk about a funeral you have been to recently - what you liked or would do differently
- Use a celebrity funeral or even the death of a character in a drama as an opening
- Tell them you want to talk about something important to you
- Tell them you have been worrying about how they will cope when you are no longer around
- Ask them to help you capture the most important experiences and memories of your life so it can be celebrated properly
Next steps:
This is just the start of the conversation, you won't be able to cover everything in one go, but here are some tips:
- Explain what you want to talk about first - it could be something very specific about your wishes or, more generally, about planning ahead or writing a will
- Ask them how they feel about talking through things
- Try to be as clear as possible in what you say
- Check in to make sure they understand what you mean and how they feel about talking about it. Would they like some time for reflection?
It’s always going to be easier to get them talking about your LIFE rather than your death. Friends and family only see the bits of your life that matter to them, so talking about hobbies, work, friendships, faith, travel, and relationships can give your nearest and dearest a more complete picture.
Even the youngest can contribute to the topics of “Favourite things“ and “Happiest times,” turning the whole subject into a chance to grow closer.
There are no right or wrong ways to start a conversation about dying and death. Everyone will have a different experience, but it’s important to start.
How do you talk to children about death?
We can be especially wary of talking about death to children, but helping them understand death before it touches their lives is a good idea. It is much harder to have this conversation when you are dealing with your own grief.
There are some wonderful resources for children of different ages but you might find that a TV show or film can offer a starting point. The death of a pet, or even a plant is an opportunity to discuss the fact that in nature every life will come to an end one day.
When a death occurs:
- Share sad news directly: Try to avoid euphemisms like “She’s in a better place.” Talk to them in a familiar spot, so they feel comfortable. Be honest and concrete, even if it might seem a little cold.
- Tell them it’s ok to be sad, that they can talk to you about any worries
- Don’t try to hide your own pain. Children need to see that grief is a normal emotion that can be expressed… and survived.
- Make sure you give them lots of reassurance, let them know they’re loved, and there are still people who will be there for them.
How to talk about your funeral wishes
Many people desperately want to give vital information about funeral wishes to their family, but of course, it can be upsetting for kids (of any age) to think about Mum or Dad not being there anymore.
It’s important to remember that you are trying to have “the chat” because you care about them…so they can show their love by listening to your thoughts on something that really matters to you.
There are different ways to do this, and you’ll know what will work best for your family.
Purposeful and direct – I’ve invited you all here to discuss my funeral wishes, I know it may feel a bit strange and difficult at first, but you’ll be glad we did.
You can serve your favourite or “signature” food, play your chosen music, and display items (and photos) that are significant to you.
Soft but direct – I’ve been thinking about my funeral wishes, and I’ve made some decisions. You can find my instructions in the drawer over there…but I’d prefer to talk them through, so you can ask me about them.
Indirect – I went to a funeral recently, and it was exactly what I would/ wouldn’t want for myself.
Spontaneous – what fabulous music/ flowers / food / wine, I’d love that at my funeral…Let’s write that down.
Or even – did you see that “no funeral” advert on TV??
In our experience, beginning the conversation can take effort, but after that things quickly move on to memories, important shared moments, and laughter.
Do you have to have a funeral?
A rising trend in the UK is for a no-fuss funeral. The coronavirus has also helped boost the number of people choosing direct cremation. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to have a funeral.
One of the most common reasons for people choosing such an end-of-life event is that it allows those left behind to plan a more celebratory event, such as a party on the beach, a picnic at a favourite beauty spot, or a function at a football club. This type of event can take place weeks or even months after a person has died.
Let’s talk about death online
There are many valuable resources for people who want to discuss dying and death with their loved ones. There are organisations, support groups, and books that can help you cope if you or someone you love is dying. Here are a couple of examples:
- Death Cafes: This is an online group where people gather together, eat cake, drink tea, and discuss death.
- BBC podcast ‘We need to talk about death’: Listen to Joan Bakewell and her panel of guests discuss death and dying.
Funeral planning and moving ahead with life
You can make things a lot easier for yourself and your family in advance. Leaving clear instructions about your wishes can be a meaningful gift for the people you leave behind. Some of the practical things you can attend to include- making a will, sorting out your finances, considering a funeral plan and life insurance, planning for extra care of help if needed, making your funeral wishes known, and creating a living will.
If you start preparing for death and all the practical matters early, you can enjoy life and live fully. Here at Pure Cremation, we can help you take care of your future. For more details, please get in touch today.
How do terminally ill people feel about talking about death?
Death is a reality for all of us. As the famous essayist, the late Christopher Hitchens, replied when asked how he felt after his diagnosis of terminal cancer at the relatively young age of 60, he replied,
“Well, actually I’m dying…” Then he paused before looking at the questioner and adding, “…and so are you!”
In another famous aside, Hitchens said
“We are all only one breath away from the end,” and given the reality of death, isn’t it better to face it head-on rather than deny it?
It may be difficult to talk to family members about your funeral, but it’s easier than leaving them to second-guess your wishes when you’re no longer there to tell them.