If you know someone who is grieving, trying to decide what you should say can be challenging. Knowing what to say when someone dies isn’t easy, especially when you’re worrying about saying the wrong thing.
This article will help you negotiate this time with sympathy and kindness, and help you to find words of comfort in this most difficult time.
We also have a free guide which has even more useful information and help on what to say when someone dies, as well as other ways you can show your support for someone who’s recently bereaved.
Things to say when someone dies
Losing someone we care about is one of the most challenging and upsetting experiences any of us can face. And knowing what to say to someone in that situation can be very hard.
Whether you want to know what to write in a card or what to say at a funeral service or memorial, we can help you find the right way to express your sympathy and offer support.
We also look at what to say when someone is grieving the loss of their father, mother, child, husband or wife, friend or colleague.
Sometimes, because we don’t know what to say, we may be tempted to say nothing at all. But that isn’t going to give someone in mourning the comfort we’d like to offer.
Of course, there are no words that can stop someone from grieving or take away their sorrow – but our words can give them solace. A sincere, heartfelt expression of sympathy can offer real comfort and just show someone we care.
Simple words of condolence
One of the simplest (yet most powerful) things you can say to someone who is grieving is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Whether you're told out-of-the-blue, or you're meeting someone you know is grieving, those six words let the person know that you acknowledge their pain and are there to support them.
Every loss is unique, which is why saying “I know how you feel,” should be avoided. Instead, consider saying something like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you."
Avoid phrases like “You should be strong”, or “Time heals all wounds,” as they can unintentionally pressure the person to suppress their emotions or rush the grieving process. Instead, offer reassurance by saying, “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now. Take all the time you need to grieve and know that I’m here to support you.”
When you learn that someone is grieving, you might easily say something like “How are you?” – but if you think about it, how is the person supposed to react to such a question? Often, they might just say, “I’m fine” even though they really aren’t.
You could try "How was this morning?" or "How did (an activity you know they’re doing) go?" so you’re focusing on how a period of time or event has gone for them, rather than how they are. It could also get them talking about their feelings more.
If “I’m so sorry for your loss” isn’t right for you, here are ten easy alternatives you might prefer:
- My deepest sympathies to you and your family.
- I don’t know what to say, but this must be very hard for you.
- You are in my thoughts and prayers.
- We will all miss (name); she/he touched so many of our lives.
- Our love and support will always be here for you.
- They will be so missed.
- I’m very sorry to hear this tragic news.
- If you want to talk, I’m here at any time.
- I’m thinking of you at this heart-breaking time.
- (Name) was a wonderful person, I’m so sorry they’re gone.
What to write in a sympathy card
Writing a sympathy card can be an emotional experience. It’s a challenge to find the right words to offer comfort, empathy, and support.
It’s important to be personal, thoughtful, honest, and mindful with your words of sympathy. If you’re looking for the right messages to write in a sympathy card, we’ve put together some ideas and inspiration;
Sympathy messages for the loss of a father or mother
The death of a parent is always going to be a significant loss, no matter how old you are, or how close or complicated the relationship is.
It can be tough for someone to lose such a strong anchoring presence in their life. When writing sympathy messages, try to recall pleasant memories or retell a story. By doing this, you’re remembering how they lived rather than dwelling on their death.
Here are some ideas of what to say in sympathy cards:
- Your father was an extremely caring and kind man. I know that no matter where you are, he will always be watching over you.
- A father’s guiding hand always sits on the shoulder of his children.
- What a wonderful relationship you had, bringing each other such joy.
- I'll never forget the way your father smiled, he loved you with every piece of his heart.
- There is no one in this world like your mother. She was a special woman, and she will be with you always.
- My deepest condolences to you and your family during this time. Your mother was an amazing woman, and she will truly be missed.
- The bond of love between a mother and child is unbreakable. She is with us all still in love, memory, and family. Know we are here to support you all through everything that may come.
Condolence messages for the loss of a child
Losing a child is unimaginable for most of us. Finding the proper condolences for this particular loss is a huge challenge.
No words can mend the bereaved parents’ broken hearts, but your words can offer support when they need it most. Here are a few ways you can do that:
- There are no words to express our sorrow, we are sending you love and prayers.
- Loss leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.
- The love and joy that your child brought to the world will never be forgotten.
Sympathy card for the loss of a partner
Losing a partner is one of the most painful events an individual can experience. The absence of a long or short term companion can leave someone feeling lost and alone.
Writing a sympathy card is your chance to let them know you are there for them. Here are some examples of ways you can say in sympathy:
- I cannot fully express the sorrow I feel for you at this time. I am thinking about you always, and I am just a call away.
- Nothing quite compares to the love of a partner, but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and am here for you.
- No one can ever replace the amazing person that your partner was. My thoughts are with you during this time.
Comforting words for the loss of a friend or colleague
It can be challenging for a person to go from seeing someone every day to not at all. They may feel a sense of confusion or instability when losing a colleague or friend.
It will be comforting for them to know that you acknowledge their loss. Here are some comforting words for the loss of a friend.
- Words, no matter how kind, can’t mend your heartache. However, those who care for you wish you comfort and peace.
- I was so sorry to hear about your friend’s passing. I hope that you know that I am here for you whenever you need it.
- The comfort of having a friend may be taken away, but the memories of that friendship will endure forever.
Messages to avoid in a sympathy card
There are lots of things you can choose to write in a sympathy card, but at the same time, there are also things to avoid, for example the use of harsh words such as ‘died’, ‘death’, or similar.
It’s also better not to include any details from the person’s passing as it might bring up unpleasant memories. Phrases to avoid include:
- “I know how you feel” - We all experience and process grief differently.
- “He/she was so young” - Saying this can be a painful reminder.
- “Everything happens for a reason” - This might risk assigning blame for the death.
- “Your grief will pass” - a bereaved person should have permission to mourn
These sentiments and others like them might not be taken very well by the bereaved. If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, it’s best to keep your message of condolence short. Sending a card might seem like a simple act, but it lets the recipient know you care.
What to write in a condolence letter
A handwritten expression of sympathy acknowledges a loss and shows how much you care, and gives you the chance to say more than just a few words.
It’s also appropriate when you can’t attend a funeral. There are seven components you could use:
- Refer to the deceased by name
- Express your sympathy
- Point out something special about the deceased
- Remind your friend or family member of his or her good qualities
- Share a memory
- Offer to help
- Close with an expression of sympathy
What to say in a condolence email
Of course, it’s better to send a card, but there are times when it’s not possible. You might not be able to see the bereaved in person, time may be an issue, or you might not know their address.
Sometimes, sending a condolence email is the best option. It’s simple, quick, and easy to do. However, knowing what to write in a condolences email can be challenging. Should it be short or long? Is there a tone you should use?
Here are some tips that might help:
- Be personal: If you were close to the deceased, talk more personally about them. Retell a story, anecdote, or mention their best qualities.
- Offer support: Offering help is a touching gesture, and one the recipient will appreciate.
- Express your sorrow: Be clear about how much you’ll miss the departed and how sorry you are for their loss.
- Be sincere: Don’t let your email sound forced. Speak from the heart and genuinely mean what you say.
What to write on funeral flowers
A popular way to express your condolences when someone has lost a loved one is the gifting of flowers. It’s usual for there to be a small card that comes clipped to the bouquet. Space is limited, but it is possible to say something meaningful. Here are a few ideas for short and sweet sympathy messages for funeral flowers.
- May these flowers remind you of our thoughts and prayers.
- Our loving thoughts embrace you during this difficult time.
- Thinking of you always.
What to say at the funeral
If you’re attending a funeral service, it’s appropriate to offer your sympathy to the family. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is fine if you don’t know them very well.
If you were closer to the person, saying something personal to share what they meant to you is very much appreciated. Here are some examples of what to say at a funeral:
- He/she will be missed by everyone that knew him/her.
- You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
- When you’re ready, I’m here for you.
- I’m so sorry you’ve loss, we’ll miss him/her very much.
Finding the right words to say when someone dies can be hard, but offering sincere condolences and support can be an immense comfort to those who are grieving. What’s important isn’t saying the ‘right’ thing so much as saying something – something simple, heartfelt, true.
Expressing what you felt about the person who’s died, showing that you care for the person who is bereaved is what matters, not trying to be eloquent or poetic or writing a great eulogy.
Approach the situation with empathy, compassion and sensitivity, and let the person know that you’re there to listen, to support, and to honour the memory of their loved one.
Just be present, offer your heartfelt condolences and let the person know that they’re not alone in their grief.
That is the most wonderful thing you can do to support them.
You can read more about funeral etiquette, in our guide, if you're still struggling with what to say or do. If you want to make funeral plans or arrangements for a loved one, our dedicated team of professionals is here to offer guidance and support at a time when you need it the most.
You can find out more about Pure Cremation and the funeral plans we offer here, or please call us free on 0800 470 23 93.