When a loved one dies, parents, guardians, and other relatives often question whether infants or young children should attend the family funeral that is held for the deceased. Is it OK for them to attend or should they be shielded from such an occasion and stay at home with a neighbour, friend, or babysitter?
Understandably, people worry that children will be upset or traumatised by this kind of event, especially seeing adults grieving and distressed. They might also wonder whether the child is just too young, does not have the level of understanding or that the service will trigger fears about dying.
There’s no right or wrong answer or one that fits all situations. However, this article will examine some of the key factors you should consider to help with your decision.
How to talk about death with the child
Conversations about death can be very challenging to deal with when you’re an adult. Children may find it even harder to understand and work through. It’s also very likely that a child will cope with their grief in a different way than an adult.
Whatever a child’s age, talking to them about death is very important in helping them understand what has happened and what it means for them. This is even more crucial if they were very close to the person who has died.
Talking to a child about death can help with the grieving process and if they’re old enough, they’ll be able to decide for themselves whether they want to attend the funeral.
You must make it clear that the person’s life has ended and that the remaining body no longer holds the person they knew. It can be compared to a fallen twig or a leaf that can’t think, breathe or feel anymore.
Ways to explain a funeral to children
As well as talking to children about death, describing what will happen at a funeral will be very helpful too, using language that is clear and easy for them to understand.
Children tend to take in as much information as they can cope with at one time. For this reason, you should keep your explanations quite short to begin with. The child may come back later with more questions and you may need to give them time to decide whether they want to attend the funeral.
This may be a helpful form of words to use:
“A funeral is a special time when people come together to remember (THE PERSON) and to say goodbye. There will be music and some readings/stories and (THE PERSON’S) body wil be present in a coffin. People will think about the (THE PERSON’S) life and how they’re going to remember them afterwards. Some people at the funeral will be very sad and may cry a lot. Other people will be thinking about the good memories they have.
Be ready to explain what happens to the body after the funeral. You may find this more challenging than the child, especially when describing cremation. It is important to refer to THE PERSON’S BODY so they are not clear that the body that Grandma has left behind is being buried or cremation, NOT Grandma herself.
Cremation can be described as using heat to turn the body left behind into soft ash or sand that is placed in a small urn so you can put them somewhere special. Be guided by any questions, answering these factually and clearly e.g. does the heat involve fire?
Reassure the child that cremation is something that happens every day, and is considered a good and proper way to look after the body of a person who has died. Treating this as a normal way to do things is very helpful.
Taking children to funerals
Many people may still think it’s inappropriate for children under 12 to attend funerals. There are, however, pros and cons to both sides.
Pros
Children will eventually find themselves attending a funeral service at some point in their life. Therefore it makes sense to expose them to such an event at an early age, especially surrounded by the people that care for them. Seeing death as a natural part of life can give a new perspective and taking part in a funeral service in childhood can help prepare someone for the occasions that will inevitably follow in the future.
People of all ages will show respect and offer some kind words to the family members when someone has passed away. Even if your children are young, the family members of the person being honoured at the funeral will usually appreciate the children’s attendance.
Cons
Your children may be too young to understand why the people around them are upset and crying and become distressed themselves.
Some children may struggle to behave appropriately at a funeral. People attending a funeral should act in a quiet and respectful manner but if a child doesn't understand this, they could misbehave, be noisy, and make you and other mourners feel uncomfortable.
If the children are particularly young or are likely to become restless or noisy, the effort of looking after them may leave you feeling unable to be as emotionally present as you wanted to be.
How to make the funeral easy for the child
When children attend a funeral they have to be able to sit and be quiet for a period of time. They’ll know it’s a special occasion, even if they don’t fully understand what is going on. Young children may find it helpful if they can take their favourite toy or book.
Here are some more suggestions that might help them deal with the funeral and say goodbye in a way they understand and that’s appropriate. These ideas will also help them feel more involved.
Up to 6-year-olds
- Blowing bubbles
- Releasing balloons
- Laying a flower on the coffin
- Making a drawing
7-12 years
- Light a candle
- Decorate the coffin
- Help with the choice of music
- Share a story
What if the child can’t attend the funeral
If a child doesn’t want to attend or other people don’t want children to be at the funeral, the most child-friendly alternative is a memorial service.
There are other ways they can help honour the death of a loved one, for example:
- They could write something about the person which could be read out
- They could choose a favourite photograph
- They could choose a hymn, song, or piece of music to be played during the service
So they don’t feel left out, you could take home the cards from the floral tributes, or ask someone to take photographs of the flowers to show them. Rituals are important for children and they will also appreciate it if you think of ways to make a special time together remembering the person who has died.
Supporting a child through grief
Children grieve differently. While you can’t protect them from the pain of loss there are things you can do. Helping the child cope with grief can mean:
- Encouraging them to express their feelings
- Being developmentally appropriate when talking to a child about death
- Being direct when talking about death rather than using euphemisms
- Letting them attend the funeral, if possible, as it can be helpful in providing closure
It’s also important to deal with your own grief. If you’re struggling to cope, there is plenty of professional bereavement help and advice available.