The relationship between a child and a parent is one of the strongest human attachments. It’s therefore only natural for the death of a parent to be a devastating experience, with a tumultuous wave of feelings, and it can feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself.
Feelings of grief will vary from person to person, and there’s no universal manual to help you deal with your bereavement, but eventually, you will find a way to move forward. The loss of a parent changes how you see yourself and the world; acknowledging that life has changed is a helpful first step, but it will take time to adjust.
Stages of grief when losing a parent
Initially, you’re probably going to feel a sense of numbness and shock of losing a parent. After this initial shock, you may experience a wide range of emotions that could include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately acceptance, popularly referred to as DABDA.
There’s no set way to go through these experiences. The order you experience them, their intensity, and length will vary depending on the relationship you had with your parent, the circumstances of their death, and to some extent, the support network you’ve got around you.
It’s also not unusual to miss a stage or feel like it’s taking too long to go through them all. We all experience grief in a different way.
Grief is a messy and unpredictable journey that we all have to go through at some point. Life won’t be the same again and it can take a while to navigate your way to a place where you can accept that change and move forward.
How age and maturity affect grieving their loss
Losing a parent at any age can be one of the most significant bereavements an individual will ever encounter. However, it can be particularly harrowing for young children.
A child’s understanding of their parent’s death will depend on several things, such as their age, stage of development, family background, personality, and previous experience of death. Children are all individuals, and therefore they develop at different rates.
It’s not uncommon for children to swing quickly between grieving and getting on with their everyday lives. One minute they’ll be upset, and the next, they’ll be asking for ice cream or wanting to play football.
For a child, it helps to be able to talk about the parent who has died. Honest, direct, and open communication is far more helpful than hiding the truth. It’s also crucial that they understand that it’s acceptable to show emotions and move on with life when they’re ready.
As we get older, losing a parent as an adult doesn’t suddenly become easier to cope with. It’s not unusual for adults to experience quite childlike responses. This can be very ironic at a time when you’re thrust into a very adult role regarding the organisation of a funeral or sorting out a parent’s financial affairs.
When the relationship between parent and child was strong and healthy, you might feel like you’ve come untethered, lost your sense of safety and identity. If the relationship was difficult or even broken, your feelings could be even more complex because you’re grieving not just the loss of a real parent but also the possibility of the parent-child relationship you wished for.
How losing a parent affects relationships?
Losing a parent can affect your relationships with those around you. A death in the family can sometimes bring people together, but it can just as easily create tension. Old arguments and rivalry between siblings can raise their heads again.
It’s possible that family members can support one another, but there may be family members that can’t or don’t want to share their feelings, preferring to be left alone. Relationships between two partners can also be affected.
When you experience the death of a parent, it’s not uncommon to experience a change in the way you see yourself and the way others see you. You might experience a sense of isolation if you’ve been caring for your parent for some time or built a routine around visits and contact. When these responsibilities end they, too, leave a gap in your life that has to be filled somehow.
If one parent dies, your relationship with the surviving parent may change. If your parents were always together and had a successful partnership, you’ll have to get to know the surviving parent as a separate person, while they are doing the same for themselves.
Ways to deal with the loss of a parent
There’s no right or wrong way to cope with the loss of a parent, but the following strategies can offer you a place to start as you begin to acknowledge your loss.
Give yourself plenty of time
Grieving the loss of a parent is an experience that is unique to each person. This can trigger a profound shift in how you view yourself, others and the world and so it is unrealistic to expect life to ‘go back to normal’.
What’s most important is that you let yourself feel all of your feelings. You might think that denying your feelings will help you heal faster and other people might try to persuade you that it’s time to move on. There is no timetable for mourning, and you’ll encounter moments of grief at unexpected times, even years later.
Regular private remembrance is a good way to honour and cherish the relationship you enjoyed, even the scratchy and irritating bits.
Maintain a healthy routine
Grief can significantly impact your daily life, your health, state of mind, and well-being. It is important to look after your diet, exercise, and sleep. Taking part in activities that you enjoy, even briefly, is not a sign of being forgetful or disrespectful. You are building up essential reserves for those days when your grief is really tough to bear.
If you have a job, make sure your employer is aware of your bereavement and ask what resources they may have available to help you.
Going back to work can provide beneficial routine, structure, distraction and social contact. It’s a good idea to tell your closest colleagues about your situation so they can understand the cause of any mood changes, brain fog and memory issues you might experience.
Talk about how you feel
Talking can be helpful, whether face-to-face, over the telephone, the internet, or social media. Family and friends can help, but there might also be people in your community, faith, or spiritual leader who can support you, especially if family members are struggling too. Remember to speak with your GP if your health is suffering.
Forgiveness
If the parent who passed away was estranged from you, grief can be more complex. You might feel lost, numb, angry, or even surprised by your grief. There is also the possibility of feeling cheated because you didn’t get the opportunity to address unresolved hurt or past trauma.
Unfinished business can give rise to resentments and anger, but holding onto these feelings will only harm you.
Forgiveness is a powerful practice that you can tap into for real health and well-being benefits. It is an act of kindness to yourself and does not mean that you are absolving the person who caused the hurt, nor are you forgetting the hurtful things.
You may suffer feelings of guilt for your own actions, and so working through the causes of that guilt, learning the lessons and forgiving yourself will be necessary.
Writing is a powerful way to articulate your feelings about your parent’s life and death. This could take the form of a journal or letters. Some people choose to burn the material in a symbolic gesture of cleansing and letting go.
You may find that a few sessions with a therapist will help kick-start the process, but remember, a good therapist will give you the tools and techniques to move on to a stronger independent future.
Share memories with friends and family
Sharing stories with friends and family can help keep the memory of your parent alive. At first, reminiscing might be painful, but as the stories start to flow, your grief might begin to ease.
Going to favourite places, listening to their playlists or sharing a meal of their signature dishes are lovely ways to honour a parent’s memory.
If you find talking openly tricky or awkward, make a scrapbook, collect photographs, or create a special memorial page.
Prepare for the anniversary of their death
It can help to think in advance about how you’re going to manage and cope with a death anniversary or other significant dates. Their absence will be felt on all kinds of occasions, especially in that first year.
You may also think about the future and wonder if there will ever come a time when the pain of absence will ease. Remembering all the great times you had together and thinking about the happy memories you shared is very helpful. You may want to think about the advice they would give you when you feel low.
Accept some days to be more emotional
Anniversaries, birthdays, Fathers and Mothers Day can be difficult after a parent dies. Think about how you want to honour your parent on these days if you feel comfortable and want to do it.
Find your unique way to always remember them
It can help to think of ways you can remember your parent, and keep them as part of your life. For example, you might want to keep a few special possessions, create a memory box, or a special album of pictures. Organising a time for family and friends to come together is another way to honour the memory of a loved one.
Help someone grieving the loss of a parent
You might find that channelling your feelings and using your experience to help others heal is very useful. Conversations about death are not easy to deal with, and for children, grief is even harder to understand and work through. However, talking to children about death in clear and honest terms is an important way to help them move forward.
Join a support group
Friends and family can offer comfort, but a support group can fulfill a different kind of social need. There are many support groups for people who have lost a parent, and you’re connected with others who are likely to understand what you are feeling and experiencing.
It is only natural for the people around you to move on with their lives after a few weeks, which may make it harder to express your feelings of grief. A sympathetic place to vent your emotions could really help all of you.
Seek professional help
There’s nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about if you need extra support. A grief counsellor will give you a safe space to unpack any grief, anger, resentment, or other lingering emotions around your parent’s death.
The emotions following the death of a parent can feel ike a rollercoaster, and be exhausting. But this is completely normal. Be kind to yourself and be patient as you take the time you need to work through your loss.
See our help and advice section for more services across the UK that support families going through bereavement.